But the current phrase 'toxic' masculinity has caught a lot of people's attention because it has something to it that seems to resonate, at least with women, and with some men, who have courageously written about it. It is an idea that some types, at least, of the ideal of masculinity are extremely negative and unhelpful - and that perhaps we should seek to combat them?
What is being described in the term 'toxic masculinity' is I think a notion of the 'real' man as tough, hard, unsentimental, naturally promiscuous, habitually an abuser of women as his birthright, and one who refuses to comply with the modern idea that men can be 'civilised' into better behaviour. When I first visited the States many years ago, there was a popular book doing the rounds entitled "Real men don't eat pizza.' This, in its way demonstrates that any concept, including 'toxic masculinity', can mean different things to different people! I don't know whether the toxicity was attached to the pizza or defined by it, but I haven't noticed any diminution in the eating of pizza among both men and women of my acquaintance! The title contains a nugget of an idea, though, however inadequately expressed, which is that anything that could be viewed as 'soft' behaviour is by definition outlawed by real men. Soft is feminine! Women, presumably, can eat pizza though men cannot! Lucky for us!
How do men get to be toxic in this way is my question? I'm rather tired of theories purporting to be feminist that blame it all on women! It's the way we women bring up our sons, goes the notion, that produces the toxically masculine male - one who could not put the washing on or make a cup of coffee to save his life! That's where they get their ideas of paternalism and patriarchy from. Mother gives it to them with her breast milk, providing all that the male child needs, while unconsciously ignoring the needs of the girl child, who soon learns she must fend for herself - that to be a woman is to be in a constant state of disappointment. It is absolutely true, by the way, that many women seem to accept that they will never be first - no matter how many women win gold medals, or carry off Pulitzer prizes. However, that is a different discussion, and one for another day.
Today I am thinking about toxic masculinity, and what goes into the making of it. The most convincing theory I came across is one about the influence of male culture. It seems that many little boys, from an early age, learn to jeer at girls and resent being asked to do 'girly' things. They learn this from other boys - not from mother at all. Why would that be? I wonder whether, for the male psyche, there is already an idea deeply embedded that they will have a struggle to demonstrate their masculinity. It will have to be fought for and treasured, and maintained by constant vigilance and self-discipline. Any small slip-up may expose the male child to the often bitter and deeply penetrative male response, frequently couched in apparently jokey terms, which can never be allowed to be challenged, because if you dare challenge it, you shame yourself into the mistake of not noticing it was a joke! Which is also a transgression against male culture, of course. A real man must have a sense of humour, especially at female expense...
I have always enjoyed male humour, and found that male relationships help to relieve the tension that goes with being a woman - that being who is perpetually seeking to demonstrate her attractiveness and desirability, on which she believes her whole life depends. Thank God for being able to see the funny side of it! Men can sometimes help us to get over ourselves - real men, in my opinion, who are not always the current model of 'real'! A real man is able to say "who cares whether your bum looks bigger or smaller in that dress? I love it anyway!' The toxically masculine response is, "I can't be seen dead with her!'
So males enculture males - they show them how to be, what is acceptable, and 'really' masculine, while women cannot, and cannot be held responsible, I think, for this phenomenon. Yes they can make demands like "pay the mortgage', 'pay attention to the children.' But are these not inevitable needs in a differentiated society like ours, where somebody has to care that the children are fed and clothed and psychologically attended to? (It doesn't have to be the women, I'm simply saying that somebody as to, and probably the ideal is both.) And where, quite often, when both parents work full days, the ones who suffer the most from this 'equal' society are the children?
Men teach other men what attitude to take towards women, what counts as 'male' behaviour, and how to demonstrate it. Gang rape is the extreme manifestation of this - where some men may well want it, but many men go along with it because it is what they are expected to want. Homophobia is to a degree implicated in this teaching. Whatever happens, don't be like a woman! Or a man/woman, a 'homo.' That is a fate worse than death for a man. He enters the world desperate for the soft love and nourishment of mother, and then spends the rest of his life backing away from it in terror.
I think this phenomenon explains a good deal about why it is so difficult to bring about change in the male attitude - why patriarchy seems embedded beyond digging up, like the tombs of those Pharaohs who are so far gone that
'...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from [it]...'
To abandon toxic masculinity, the male has to abandon not only the toxicity he was taught from his earliest years, but ultimately his own father, the male model who was the first and most powerful male influence in his life. The father is the one who indoctrinates the law of patriarchy, the toxic masculinity and all that goes with it. And explains how to joke about it, so as to ensure that it can never be challenged without his son being called a witless dullard or a wimp. Not only because father was the first, the original idea of the male, so to speak, but also because father was himself taught it by his own father, whose word has not yet been abandoned in him.
You're kidding, I think I hear you say? 'Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, story-tellers, and singers of song.' And villains. Yes, of course they are. But it is that 'turning' process which is critical. It is transformational. It is not necessarily what the father was that mattered, but what the eyes of his son made him. Round about ten or eleven, we all begin to suspect that our parents were not quite what we thought they were. But by then, the cake is baked and ready for the future eating! You can't change a single ingredient, it's too late. All you can do is chuck it out, and begin again with a different set of ingredients, and that is a very difficult process to do with a human being.
I don't say the situation is hopeless. Not at all. But I think women may have a more important role in this change than they realise. It is a waste of time complaining about patriarchy. Complaining is the voice of the Other whom the male child sought most ardently to ignore, because it challenged his developing masculinity. If you become a nagging wife, you are in danger of becoming feared, as the dreaded source of that challenge to abandon what he views as his most important quality - his masculine identity. What I think women have to do is to ignore patriarchy, and just get on with living as though it didn't exist. Yes, your man is a problem because he doesn't like you going out to work. So what? Go anyway, and try to remember that he is defending something very precious in his eyes, his masculine identity. Don't argue, just do it! Similarly, if they don't pay you equally, just put the case before the court. Don't whinge about justice and equality. Take them for granted as your birthright.
If women keep demonstrably living well without need of patriarchy, I think even men will start to wonder about it. I was listening to a radio debate about the Arabs and Israelis this morning - apparently Trump is about to announce an earth-shattering new plan for sorting out the Middle East. And all his plans, have you noticed, are amazing and bound to change the world? A very articulate Arab spokesman drove a neat horse and cart through this concept without even having heard it yet! That's how toxic masculinity works - it attracts spoilers and belittlers, and fetches us all up with another headache and a feeling that nothing much is going to change here. I recommend that the Middle East just gets on as though Trump had not spoken! In the belief that eventually he will go away and somebody else will come along with a better idea. Perhaps a female prime minister of either Israel or Palestine, or both, will raise their head, and decide to do things differently. Yes, it takes a long time, but there is alas no shortcut that I know of.
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